“Will I ever have sex again?” How can men help their wife/partner experiencing peri/menopause?
My first network event as a new menopause coach was not what I expected; I love a good swerve in the road to keep things interesting. I attended a breakfast hosted by a networking group made up mostly of men. I never even thought about it in terms of who was represented at this networking event. Let’s just say this blind spot turned out to be revealing in that menopause is not just a concern only women share amongst themselves.
While it was an intimate networking group of 8 people, we broke into pairs for a small ice breaker activity. My partner was a local business owner and real estate broker in Arlington Va. Before we got to the activity, he looked me dead in the face and said, “You have a really interesting job. Am I ever going to have sex again?” I broke out into laughter- because, come on, that was funny!
BUT my networking partner was not laughing. He had that wrinkle above his eyebrows that signaled deep concern for his future. He was serious. He went on to explain that his wife was in her late 30’s and wanted to know how he can be part of the solution.
I loved this because while most men may think there is no room for them in the menopause conversation, he wanted a seat at the table. He wanted to help his wife, himself, their marriage, their family. So the question is: “ What can men do?”
Some men think if you say something related to menopause to their wife/partner, it’ll blow up in your face and make a bad situation worse. I get it.
But what if you could shed some light on basic premises that are meaningful to your wife/partner?
Here are a few things to think about:
Tell her that her health is important to you. Sounds simple but it’s important for women to know that her loved ones value her health and want her to see a practitioner who can help. I conducted a survey with midlife women this past spring where the majority of women told me they are moderately concerned about their health. This shocked me. I thought ‘health’ would be their number one concern. It turns out women are concerned with so many things in their lives, their health takes a “back seat” as a result. 78% cited they don’t have time for menopause coaching though they know it could help them with daily symptoms they experience.
Ask her if her provider is certified through the Menopause Society.
A lot of women are frustrated with their healthcare providers because of some providers. A lot of women get patronizing responses and feel “blown off” by their provider. Most providers aren’t trained to prescribe and work with women in midlife. Menopause care and treatment were given no real attention in medical school. If your wife/partner isn’t getting the help she is looking for from her healthcare provider, chances are she’s not working with a provider who has menopause training. She deserves to know what her options are and an option may be prescribing hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Suggest she looks at the Menopause Society website for a provider. She can search the website by zip code and knows these are providers that have up-to-date training to offer menopause care and HRT. You will be seen as a god!
Sleep 😴 ….. How can she get more of it?
It is not uncommon for women to suffer from poor sleep during the peri/menopause phase. Poor sleep affects everything in your life: your mood, energy levels, desire to exercise or have sex. Studies even show that gut health can be triggered by prolonged poor sleep. All that said, sleep is like chasing the golden goose 🪿 for women in menopause. If your wife/partner is having trouble sleeping, here are a few solid tips:
No liquids after 7pm. Needing to use the bathroom during the night can interrupt sleep making it difficult to get back to sleep.
Set room temp 69-70 degrees,
Be sure it is dark in the room.. Block out curtains are always a good idea for great sleep.
Reduce/dim lighting in the house once the sun goes down. Less light entering through our eyes triggers our bodies to begin making melatonin, the natural hormone that helps us sleep. This is key for keeping our circadian rhythm on schedule.
No electronics an hour before bed (same reason as above, re: light)
Using an app like Calm is worth exploring. You can find nighttime meditations, or low hertz (432hertz) frequency music. Both are relaxing and meant to reduce anxious thoughts and racing minds.
If you snore, does it keep her up? How can you work on getting treatment for snoring so you both can rest better? Snoring deprives you of a good night's sleep.
If she snores or possibly has sleep apnea, see the first suggestion- Tell her that her health is important and getting a medical intervention is crucial.
These suggestions are somewhat elemental but sometimes we need to get back to basics. Telling someone that you care about their health can start a conversation guided by reminding people you care and love them. Concrete suggestions about where to get menopause care is not only helpful but not widely known. Lastly, focusing on one thing- sleep- can shift many things in your wife/partner’s life, and in yours too. Again, let’s positively answer the question, “Will I ever have sex again?”